Thursday, December 08, 2005

Just Say No

Here are ten things no knitter should do.

1. Drop shoulders

They're flattering on, like, no one. Sure, they're easy to knit, but so what? It's easier to buy a sweater than to knit one; if you're going to knit one, make it fit.
2. Chenille

Cotton, wool, acrylic, rayon--I don't care what it's made of; it won't be pleasant to knit, and it's unlikely to look good for very long, if at all. If you want chenille, buy it.
3. Elaborate floral intarsia that looks like wallpaper

This is the kind of thing that needlepoint does very well, and that tortures a knitter with completely unpredictable charts and millions of yarn ends to weave in. Don't fight the medium.
4. Self-Argyling sweaters An old gimmick from the early '90's, and (in retrospect) a precursor of the self-patterning sock yarns: these were huge hanks of space-dyed yarn which, when knitted at a precise gauge and on the exact right number of stitches, produced sweaters with a large-scale diamond-shaped pattern.
5. Knitted thongs

In fact, maybe all knitted underwear falls into this category: there are some places I just don't want my knitting to go.
6. Toilet-seat covers

If you can't find anything better to do with your time, just speak up, and I'll make some recommendations. [Note from Carol: I did win a prize of some lovely Schaefer yarn for this, so who's the fool?]
7. Elvis wig

Honestly, it's not that I don't have a sense of humor. I just think this would be funnier if they were more, y'know, realistic.
8. Bleach-etched sweaters

Two versions, both troubling: One is the Rowan Denim sweater that's spattered and potato-stamped with bleach after assembly. The other involves a synthetic Trendsetter yarn called Sunshine, and a tube of bleaching gel which one applies in abstract patterns to the finished garment, then rinses off. The longer the gel sits, the paler the color gets. My objection in both cases is the same: the model garment may look improvisational, freeform, and lovely, but the odds of Jane Knitter completely ruining many hours of work are just too high.
9. Fulled Kureyon baby blanket It's going to get stiff, and it still won't be machine-washable, so what's the point?
10. Knit anything after the second drink Remember, friends don't let friends knit drunk.

P.S. Got Noro? Sorry this post is so late, but UPS buried us in Noro this morning, and we spent the rest of the day digging out.
And tomorrow, when it's snowing? You know we're still open. Stop by if you get the day off from work and start to get cabin fever.


Jennifer said...

I think i'm not going to have a phobia of Noro. whenever I see more then on skein of it I'm going to cry and shake in the corner.

Which, I guess, is going to make working with it daily pretty hard.

Lisa M. said...

Don't be afraid. Ed got everything from the front room into the dungeon. There's room to stand and everything.

Well, o.k., maybe there are a couple bags of Blossom left over. But only a couple.

Marg B said...

Wish I lived nearby and could relieve you of some of that Noro... on second thoughts it's probably best for my bank account that I'm on the other side of the world...